Two Years

 Do you remember your first love? That girl or boy that made your stomach feel sick whenever you saw them or heard their beautiful, gentle voice? That one person that could, no matter what, always make you so damn happy about life, so anxious to live it out with them and grow old with them? I can. I had her two, long years ago.

I remember the day she first spent the night at my house. It was the day I will never let myself forget, nor couldn’t if i tried to. Her and I walking down El Camino Real, my hand wrapped around her, her hand wrapped in mine. The dasiy I picked out for her was placed on her ear . That beautiful daisy on that beautiful girl. Stopping in front of a driveway in the middle of the night, telling each other how “safe you make me feel”. How in love we were that night. I in love we were together.

 There was a particular day I can remember where I couldn’t stand being away from her. We were still together, nothing wrong. I just wasn’t with her. I needed her to be in the same room as I was. I felt sick. I couldn’t do anything. All I wanted was her.

Update

I think i’m going to use this blog as a journal. I never thought of blogs as journals, but i think thats what a blog is all about?

Well, a lot has happened since last time i left a mark in the Internet community. I’ve been studying  for my ASVAB test, lately. I can honestly say that i have been doing a fair job of being committed to that. I’m still anxious about joining up in the armed forces and becoming independent.

Wow. I just realized how much more stupid i have become over these past few weeks. I have a strong feeling thats because of my smoking weed habits.  I am going to be completely honest and admit that weed is holding me back from becoming a more reliable and functional person. I can’t remember things as good anymore.  I can’t focus on things for over ten seconds. I can’t even think anymore, actually. It’s already hard enough to type this latest journal entry. My writing skills have gone down the river and into the dump filled lake. So, i think it’s time for me to give up smoking for now on. This is going to be a hard thing for me to do since i already have a craving for a joint.. It must be done, though.

Other things have happened since my last visit to this blog. I got invited to a camping trip by the most unexpected people:  Katie and Steph. My old friends from my old life..  I remember when i first

Well, i’m sitting on this some-what comfortable, warn out chair that probably has a pretty interesting story behind it’s existence.  Hmm, thats exciting to think about, actually. A chair, that i’m sitting on, has a story. I know that sounds absurd; a chair has a story? I guess a lot of things have stories, then. Maybe everything in this planet has a story to share. Not on the same page as me, eh? Just think about it, how did this chair become an object i sit on? How did it find me? How was it birthed.. What’s so funny? A chair can be born, too you know.

Let’s think about this chair, for a second. Like, how it was created, what it may have seen on it’s journey to my bottom. Thats a good one, Austin. What has this chair seen? I wish i knew how old this chair was so i can give a better estimate of all the possiblilites of events, people,  other objects it has witnessed in it’s lifetime. By the looks of it, it may be at least 10 years old. Thats enough

Why Chuck Barris is my Hero.

I don’t know if anyone of my fans have been curious as to why Chuck Barris is my hero. So, i am dedicating this blog to the explanation. My sources on Chuck’s life are from his autobiography “Confessions of a Dangerous Mind”.

Basically, Chuck and I have a lot in common. I don’t want to get into every aspect as to why we are, but i’ll share some of the examples. We both can’t handle criticism by a major audience. When getting negative feedback, we both tend to think of stories (in our head) that would make us appear to be.. needful? For example, Chuck Barris wrote the book Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, a fictional (?) autobiography about his life as a famous television producer with a n alternate secret night life as a CIA assassin, to show his critics that he was going through a lot of personal conflict and wanted people to almost (maybe) appreciate him more. Since, after all, he is serving the government to protect his country. So, he uses these made up “true” stories and demon-like emotions that are built inside of him to come up with game show ides. This is made clear when mustering up the game show “the Gong Show”.

I do almost the exact same thing. I too, sometimes make up stories in my head to counter criticism. Although, i don’t openly share my “fantasy” life. Like Chuck, i also want to make it big in Hollywood. I am use my personal conflict and stories to come up with movie ideas. My brain is turned off right now. And being that it is 3:46 in the morning, i feel present why it is off. So next point.

Chuck and I view relationships the same way.Our views can easily be elaborated through this famous quote from the book: “When you’re in a relationship it means you are obligated to give a shit.” Plain and simple, ladies and gentlemen. Chuck wasn’t always the best when it came to handling relationships. Or should i say, he wasn’t the best at maintaining one. He would easily get distracted by his “endless need to chase pussy” and by not really getting an attachment to a woman. There has only been one woman that was able to wrap Chuck around her finger. That woman being Penny Dawson: the woman who Chuck, in the book, goes crazy over. Although, he regularly cheats on her; due to his weakness for more vag. Yet, he is still head over heels for Penny, his actions are just how he is. I can relate to this very well. For i too can get distracted easily. Not because i’m tired of someone, but because i want “more fucking pussy” (something that i have under control, ladies). I can, like Chuck, be committed. I have been committed before. I had my own version of Penny, even.

Once again, my is COMPLETELY not giving it’s full potential right now. I can hardly type properly. So this last sentence will be my conclusion.

What needs to be done.

I am going to make a list of all the things i need to get done so i can progress into a successful future. This blog isn’t about me being whiny and stupid haha:

1. Study a lot and prepare for the ASVAB
2. Pass the ASVAB with a score over 50.
3. Join the National  Guard and complete training.

4. Come back home after training and enroll into West Valley College.

5.  Get another job and buy a car. While studying for an Associates degree in Film.

6.  Earn my Associates degree in Film

7. Get a transfer to UCLA or a university that has a good Film program.

8. Get my Masters degree in Film

10. Become a Film Director.

Let’s hope i do all of these things !

Facing Life.

I like to use my blogs to vent. For some reason after i write out all the feelings that are embedded in my mind, i feel better. I feel satisfied, as if i just let something off my chest or told someone something. Well, anyways. Back to the venting:

I just had another dream about someone, again. An odd dream, but a dream that included her, non-the-less. Fuck, i thought i was over her already.  It’s been well over a fucking year and i still can’t let her go. Is it because i promised her i will never give up? Is it because she told me to never accept defeat, no matter what she says or does? Or is it because i’m a fucking stubborn little shit who can’t admit a loss? Maybe.  Maybe it’s because i’ve been in denial for the past 432 days. Thats more like it.

What am i in denial about?  Now that i think about it, maybe i’m in denial about a lot of things. Yet, my concern is only toward one particular feeling.   This whole time, i’ve been feeling sorry for myself about what happened so long ago, that i’ve actually made myself believe it was her fault. Not mine. When in fact.. it was my fault. I was the one who cheated, not her. I was the one to ruin things.            Not her.  Now that i think back on those days, shes tried so hard to give me another chance. I was able to see it in her eyes that she wanted the whole mess to blow away and be forgotten.  I thank her so much for that. No one has any idea how much i praise her for doing that. Yet,    she couldn’t handle it anymore. Something inside her just clicked on and told  her it was wrong to try and save the sinking ship we called a relationship. It was wrong because i was wrong. I cheated on her. Which, in return, makes me wrong for her.

No one has an idea of how much i miss her, either. I miss the comfort that was released whenever i hugged her. I miss the adventurous evenings we would exploit together. I miss that sunset lit day she told me how much i meant to her.  She was my entire universe. She was the star in my eyes my life orbited around. Everything i had associated with her. I fucking miss her.

It’s my fault today is the way it is. It’s my fault she doesn’t talk to me anymore. It’s my fault she ignores my messages.  It’s my fault she met and fell in love with someone else.. Good for her. I’m proud she moved on away from someone unstable as i am. As much as i hate to say that. I still want whats best for her, and if that means me not being in her life, then so be it.  I will be always there for her. Even if she doesn’t know it. Because me giving up on one thing, doesn’t mean i’m giving up on another.  My life will forever be in debt to her.  She deserves everything she gets. So, goodbye Kathrine Eleanor Richards. May you live a long and prosperous life.

Ponderful moment

You know those movies about friendships? The ones that show you a group of young, close friends that always go on these crazy, big adventures that can seem possible to go on; how in the end,  they show the group laughing, smiling, playing around and then the camera pans on to each individual  and little, white text are visible and explain what happens to that particular person later on in life..

I wonder what mine would say..

Which Direction should i follow?

Something happened this morning. Something hit me hard and showed me no mercy.  Something that gave me a feeling it won’t go away for awhile.  What is this Something? I don’t know what i want to do with my life.

For years, my dream was to make movies for the world to enjoy.  When i was young, i thought all i had to do was do some college and BANG! Instant director. It’s not like that. Not even close. Being a director is a very risky task. It requires a lot of unpaid dedication and desire. Most importantly, it requires  connections.  Hollywood is a very elitist type of business.  You either have to have good connections to make it big, or be a complete asshole. Well, i’ve been called an asshole, just not the right type of asshole. And i have no connections with the big shots.

All of this has been causing me a great deal of stress. Being a director is a very stressful job. It’s very unstable, financially. You can make 20 million in one year and the next get zip. A movie can take two years to complete and  can turn into a complete disaster, wasting two years out of your life.  All of this is something i’d be willing to risk, except for one thing: College time.

If i did pursue my dream and complete  my Masters in Film, that would cost money and about 6 years  of my life. It’s not like i have an endless supply of years and money and can just go back and take a different course towards a different job.  I’ve thought about becoming a Nurse, like my mom. It’s a stable job, good pay, great benefits.. but would i be happy? I don’t know the answer to that question. I have a feeling it will be “content”. I bet i will always have a feeling in the back of my head, saying, “This is not the life you always wanted. You are not the person you always wanted to be.” I’m scared..

What do i do..?

Ventilation System

I think my blogs are a way of just taking off the many pounds of  negative emotions that infest my body as the day goes by. It nice, almost therapeutic. In fact, i bet it is therapeutic.   i can feel refreshed sometimes when i finish writing down all of my feelings. I can feel very confident. I’m going to try something new with this blog. I wont mention as to what that new will be. In plus, i don’t really think anybody actually reads these entries..

Life is pretty much content now. I’m really happy and relieved to say that i am now starting to witness Stability, after a very long while of it being gone.  In case you don’t know, my life in Campbell has been limited. My Dad is married to my Step mom, who moved to Virginia a few months ago to live closer to her new born grandchild.  My Dad didn’t move with her for one reason: Me. I thought it was completely unfair  of him to suddenly end my life in my Hometown, twice (first one being Redlands).  I guess he agreed? I don’t know exactly why he decided to stay with me, but he did. We made a deal, though. When i turn 18, he’s moving. Thats it. So, i’ve been stressing for a little bit close to a year. 9 months, to be exact. The stress is what lead me to think of the idea of joining the Army.  Recently, though, my good friend is going to let m stay with him and pay rent, while i join the Reserve and go to college. Yeah..that sounds really nice, actually.

To more of a personal note. I kind of have to vent out something. It may be a little controversial, but nobody reads my blogs anyways, so i guess it wont be attacked. I realized how much i like someone. A girl, obviously. I’ve known  of her for awhile, but started talking to her about a few months ago.  We had our talk, i took her out on a double date  and kind of had a “fling” but it ended quickly. Not because of anything bad, though. We just, didn’t really know each other. Not in a negative way, more like in a cautious way. We both didn’t want to just say,”hey,  i like you lets go on a few dates and then go out” and then actually do it. We both knew what the outcome would have been, due to some past experiences.  Not too mention, she didn’t really seem like girlfriend material. Thats just mostly because of her lack of relationship experiences.

Aside from all of that, though,  and it may seem somewhat weird to hear this but… i still kind of like her. We haven’t really talked that much, but we do sometimes. Thats the thing about her, shes different. She actually came to me after we told each other we should remain as just friends (even though, that would normally make things awkward with them). Not too mention that this isn’t a “i only like her because i didn’t have her, and when i do i wont like her anymore” stunt. I actually, really do like her. Just the way she talks through her texts or over the Net, is really just warming. I can actually keep focused to what she actually talks about because it’s not boring. It’s not about some of her bullshit drama at school. It’s about interesting things. She doesn’t judge my looks (i kind of look like a slacker) and she relates to me very well. And whenever she talks, i feel so comfortable.  What makes this a huge deal to me is the fact that i never really had any feelings like this since Her. I’m really liking this. I hope things end up working out for us.

Haha i almost forgot.  In my last blog, i told you how i had a slow relationship with someone else, already. We’re not dating or anything. To be very honest about it, i get annoyed with her. Shes a good friend, thats not what annoys me about her. Its when i see her as a girlfriend what annoys me. She talks and talks about the most uninteresting things. Such as bullshit girl drama that i have no time for. I mean, i would normally listen to someone’s “drama” if i knew they would do the right thing to solve them, but not this girl. She’s really stuck up, now that i think about it. Yet, this is only when i view her through the eyes of a boyfriend, not as just a friend.  I almost feel obligated to date her because i know she would be good to me. I know, i sound like a fucking girl for saying that, but i don’t really give a damn. God, i hope she doesn’t read this haha…

Well, i hope everything works out in the end. With everything, but mostly for me and that other.

ADIOS

I bid you farewell.

Life’s Beginning

A new era has lifted off for me,  i think.  I’ve been waking up to early mornings and fall into a deep train of thought that ceases to end, unless i force myself to stop engaging in that trance like moment. I think of many different things, but there was one  subject that bugged me the most:  am i starting my life?

I wonder if life is like a video game.  Where your adolescent years are your training and the game really starts when you hit 18. That would be interesting. I’m not saying i view my life as just a game, or anything. Actually, i view my life as one giant movie. I have enough situations to make it a very compelling one. Maybe even win a few awards..

Life right now is content. It’s not as nerve racking as i thought it would get. I think thats because i have a good friend now. A real good friend, not a girlfriend. Is life built to be hard if you don’t have a friend by your side?  I wonder that, sometimes. Can someone really live there life, happily,  without having a good friend? It seems hard to imagine that, but i bet some people can manage that.  I’m glad to know that i am not only having girlfriends to socialize with. Those normally end up going sour at the end.  Speaking of girlfriends, i’m actually taking things slow with someone, right now. To be honest, i don’t know if it’s because i view them as only a friend or if it’s because i want this to be something real. This is another thing thats been bugging me recently.

Which brings up another point… I’ve been having a lot of dreams about Her, lately.  It’s driving me insane. I wake up, feeling like things with Her and I are better, but realize it was only a dream. That sounded really emo, but shut the fuck up. What was it about her that drove me to completely and utterly fall in love with Her? God, i want to know so i can use that to get over her. I mean, i am over her, in some sense. Enough to move on, but honestly, i don’t think i’ll ever find someone who will make me as happy as she did. I felt so..complete with her.  People from time to time tell me how her and i were perfect together. Reality hits though, and i remember how different we are from each other, now. I can’t recognize her anymore, and neither can she recognize me. At least she can’t see the Austin she knew. All of this talk is making me feel INCREDIBLY emo, so enough of this.  OUT.