I like to use my blogs to vent. For some reason after i write out all the feelings that are embedded in my mind, i feel better. I feel satisfied, as if i just let something off my chest or told someone something. Well, anyways. Back to the venting:
I just had another dream about someone, again. An odd dream, but a dream that included her, non-the-less. Fuck, i thought i was over her already. It’s been well over a fucking year and i still can’t let her go. Is it because i promised her i will never give up? Is it because she told me to never accept defeat, no matter what she says or does? Or is it because i’m a fucking stubborn little shit who can’t admit a loss? Maybe. Maybe it’s because i’ve been in denial for the past 432 days. Thats more like it.
What am i in denial about? Now that i think about it, maybe i’m in denial about a lot of things. Yet, my concern is only toward one particular feeling. This whole time, i’ve been feeling sorry for myself about what happened so long ago, that i’ve actually made myself believe it was her fault. Not mine. When in fact.. it was my fault. I was the one who cheated, not her. I was the one to ruin things. Not her. Now that i think back on those days, shes tried so hard to give me another chance. I was able to see it in her eyes that she wanted the whole mess to blow away and be forgotten. I thank her so much for that. No one has any idea how much i praise her for doing that. Yet, she couldn’t handle it anymore. Something inside her just clicked on and told her it was wrong to try and save the sinking ship we called a relationship. It was wrong because i was wrong. I cheated on her. Which, in return, makes me wrong for her.
No one has an idea of how much i miss her, either. I miss the comfort that was released whenever i hugged her. I miss the adventurous evenings we would exploit together. I miss that sunset lit day she told me how much i meant to her. She was my entire universe. She was the star in my eyes my life orbited around. Everything i had associated with her. I fucking miss her.
It’s my fault today is the way it is. It’s my fault she doesn’t talk to me anymore. It’s my fault she ignores my messages. It’s my fault she met and fell in love with someone else.. Good for her. I’m proud she moved on away from someone unstable as i am. As much as i hate to say that. I still want whats best for her, and if that means me not being in her life, then so be it. I will be always there for her. Even if she doesn’t know it. Because me giving up on one thing, doesn’t mean i’m giving up on another. My life will forever be in debt to her. She deserves everything she gets. So, goodbye Kathrine Eleanor Richards. May you live a long and prosperous life.
